Humble Pie

The way that we live at present is, at best, financially precarious. There are months that at the outset look like they have to end in disaster. In the beginning we trust in God's provision, and in the end He provides. We accept this is a temporary stage of life (one that we take on faith in the movement we are making forward), a time when we are learning a lot... among them, what it is like to be poor. Another lesson: what it is like to need, or to need help.

Yesterday, we sat down and looked at our accounts for the month of August. Oi, us. Summer gets really difficult because it is the second most expensive time of year (after the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays), but it is also the longest and latest that we go between school assistance periods. Not that school loans are a huge part of our income, but they are quite a chunk. Tax returns have run out by now, and we are--for the past few years--just holding our breath and waiting. This August proves no different. Add up bills to be paid and a gas average. Take that away from Kevin's projected income. Nada. Nil. In the red. And that's not counting that the car window has just broken and I ripped my last contact last week.

As I said, oi, us.

So we went to a source of emergency assistance that we have used a few times over the past two-three years, to fix a broken air conditioner and the car, and once to pay our mortgage when Kevin was at his sickest and out of work. I wrote an explanation of our situation and included the amount of our mortgage bill as a reference number. Then we waited with bated breath. Today the return email came: they are sorry for our situation, but given that (according to their records) we do not appear to tithe and also that we are still in need of assistance after two years of help, we are not able to receive any more. Sharp intake of breath. Still don't know how the math is going to work this month. But I turned around and wrote a (I hope) very congenial and quite long message back stating that I was sorry they were unable to help and I appreciate their consideration, but that contrary to belief, we are actually on a financial journey that is--and always was--going to take us about four years, that we are quite aware of our situation and are well-versed in fiances and budgeting and are living just within our meager means which come to us only after 80-plus hours of work--and then some--per week. And that we share the same ideas about tithing (and actually give not only to two organizations (but not at ten per cent) and also tithe with our time and talents to at least two different church extensions). Then the representative wrote back, saying of course that his intention was to support us with whatever assistance (ie. advice and access to a financial guru, as well as prayer) and that he hopes his message came across positively.

Which leads me to my final reply. And now I take a rabbit trail: Girl has a few bad habits that are starting to make deep ruts in her personality, now that she has gotten to the ripe old age of six and a half. We are doing what we can to help her kick them. One is that she compulsively tells the end of a movie or story at the beginning. Another is that she breaks down if you assume that she does not know something... anything... that she already happens to. If--woe to you--you chance to mention in passing conversation that George Washington was the first president of the United States, she is probably going to dissolve into a whining ball at your feet, claiming that she already KNEW that! Etc. etc. We have to stop her several times a day to correct this obnoxious behavior and explain that absolutely no one is going to appreciate this peccadillo so she should just stuff it before she starts losing friends. I have known all along that this is a tendency that I too have, although I like to think I usually stop short of dissolving onto the linoleum. When I was responding to the above-mentioned person's email, I thought of this desire to always be right and to always be right first.

The point is--and this is how I ended correspondence--there are many things that we have to learn from our years in financial stress and American poverty, and among those that we can already see is the regular dose of humility. It is hard to ask for money (at least if you are hard-working and independent). It is hard to accept help. It is quite a learning experience to know that some people are just not able to earn above the poverty line and to experience the grief and stress and difficult choices that accompany that. And another learning experience to find out your degree doesn't guarantee you even a middle class life, especially in an economic recession. And it is really, truly hard to bump along working so hard in so many ways and still look like you haven't the foggiest what you are doing. But what I really need to accept is that often I haven't the foggiest what I am doing and that is sort of the point: not intelligence, not accomplishment, not righteousness are what matters. That I am acceptable because God is to be glorified by it, that is what will both hold my head high and keep me humble when the librarian reminds me that the children's section is over by the back wall... again.